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Its complicated....

Has someone ever asked you a question and you can't even fathom the words to describe the situation?

Yeah, thats been my situation for a while now.

It all started with the surreal moment when I returned boxes of my ex's stuff to him. I had a minor "High Fidelity" Moment

(If you don't know what that means....watch the movie)

Sitting there talking to him, I realized that he really doesn't and didn't know me at all. Of course I had my very best bff Mike there with me who kept jabbing me and stepping on my foot when he would say something random. When we left and it was just Mike and I, Mike put it best when he said. "Damn, that bloke doesn't know you for shite!" 

That when I had the several hours long conversation with Mike, where he told me point blank. "You don't open up to anyone" Which I have to admit is true. I mean I'm open to a point with friends but never really confided in anyone specific person. Mike made a good point that I jumped in his shit, when his marriage looked iffy and told him he needed to open up to his wife and let her in.

Basically it takes one to know one rule came into play. Anyone else could tell me this and I wouldve ignored them but hearing it from someone who I know does the exact same thing I do....it makes sense.

So after all the debating and self exploration on why I do this. I decided.....'What do I have to lose?" 

So saturday I confided in Cochese, something Ive never spoken to any one about let alone myself out loud. To make it even more meaningful and purposeful I did it at the site, where a single decision I made over 13 years ago change my outlook on life.

I'm not going to get into it because it something I deal with on a daily basis and it still hurts after all those years....it never got easier and is going to take time.

But on the good side, after my veritaserum talk with cochese several days before. (He asked me to be honest and I was brutally honest). We are taking the steps...slow steps to work it out. Because honestly after what I said to him and the words we exchanged....it wouldve been DOA.

But for some odd reason he wants to work on it. BOTH of us are working on our faults, because I have some, I admitted it.  in ordered to perserve our complicated situation.

So we shall see....for once in the last several weeks.....I'm content.

Throws in the towel....

I am official given up on trying to figure out anything about the male species. No longer will I try to delve into the mindset of them and attempt to figure out why they do some of the ridiculous shit that they do...

I mean seriously I've come to the conclusion that they just dont think like the female species at ALL. What is common sense for women is abstract thinking for a man.

Yep, I give up


They say we are complicated.....bullshit, they are just as equally difficult and hard to intrpret ,and for once I didnt over analyze the situation and took it as it is and STILL Im left thinking WTF?@?@


Yeah....I'm tapping out.

I can see clearly now...


When I thought I was on the  edge of loosing it...it happened.  Whether it was a lighting bolt, or epiphany or just the greater beings  kicking my ass....

The most inconspicious person made everything clear.  

Genius: "What are you doing Mrs. Cole?"
Me: "I'm struggling to figure out something and my head hurts."
Genius: "When my head hurts, I usually take a nap and then I get up and watch my favorite show."
Me "What's that?" 
Genius: "Rachael Ray, it makes me feel happy, and want to cook again, "
Me: "Huh?" 

Out of a simple conversation with a 7 yo patient that has a fascination with the Food Network, he had the most simpliest answer that a majority of the adult population forgets.

Do something because it makes you happy.

Thats what I've forgotten, all the trials and bullshit I've been dealing with at work and elsewhere in my personal life, I forgot what makes me happy, what gives me joy.

Its a simple concept right? but as adults we often forget about it because of all the bullshit surrounding us.

"Do what makes you Happy"

The brillant advice I recieved from a 7 year old patient....

Now you see why I'm a pediatric Nurse.

Needed: Creative Consultant.


Despite the horrible economy, the lack of overtime, the stop-loss on any and all purchases. (You thought Mother Hubbards cupboard was bare) and the depression I see every time I check my account balance...It getting to the point I get anxious to check the damn thing.

The one good thing I have to look forward to is....Halloween and the icing on the cake....Its on a Friday ie: Parties either Friday and/or Saturday.

I've always loved halloween and mostly because it allows me to express my creativity on my friends, I can create some pretty damn haunting face makeup if I have the right too. I actually like to carve pumpkins....I did a number this year with a gotham city skyline producing the bat signal. I'll have to link a photo soon.
But Its something to look forward too since everything else is pretty much craptacular.

I wont even get on my soap box about work, not today. I refuse to because I ranted to a co-worker of mine for almost two hours when I got off friday.

I know my soapbox rant will make it on here soon enough but to summarize it quickly...I'm dissapointed in people I consider friends, attitudes stink with no team work at all and I'm reach that point that when someone complians I easily tell them. "well shut the fuck up if your not going to do anything about it." 

Its to the point Im going to air my grievences to certain managers. Which totally goes against my "Damn the Man" mantra but this shit is just bananas and its fucked up.

I'm at a stand-still with my writing, manly because the last chapter I sent off to be beta....I'm not happy with, I dont think I will ever really be happy with it from a creative stand point but its works in the later chapters fine and finally answers some damn questions and actually the chapters following I like, but damn I keep debating on whether or not to release it.

I think Im going to announce it here and where it is posted elsewhere, I'm need input, badly and the only people who I think would give quality input and understand it are the readers of EOM. So I'm announcing that anyone
*cough*Harrysmom*cough* would like to read the last chapter before I release as a creative consultant please contact me via email.

My goal was to have Edgedancer done this month but that chapter is becoming a thorn in my backside and I'm too invested in the story and characters to abandon it but I need help.

That being said, I'm going to finish working on EOM, thing is I'm up to chapter 10-12 I think, but I cant put it out there until I get that last chapter resolved. ...

Hi ho Hi ho it off to write I go.....

Back into the Pit....


My vacation was a success! I actually went down for a week in florida with someone I'm involved with and we didnt kill each other !!

Thats a hell of a big deal if you know my track record.

A week and entire week in each others presence doing EVERY FRIGGIN THING TOGETHER and when we got back I'm thinking I wouldn't here from him in a few days hell more like a week. He hung out with me twice to my surprise that week and told me he wanted to spend a day with me???

HUH? Now this is a foreign language to me, hell even after a long weekend with family/friends we want to be alone but this was a first.

But we had fun, He got to run around Island of Adventures, Marvel Super Hero Island like a Kid....He was one of few adults that stood in line to have his picture taken with Capt America. He almost took up an entire role of flim in that section. But I did get a few prelim pictures of Harry Potter section they are building. They had it sectioned off but had Ministry Decree stating; Magic at Work Patients is Request. on HUGE signs that were similar to the ones in the last movie.

And you can actually see part of Hogwarts....trust I almost stood on his shoulders so I could get a glimpse over the fence...lol

But the vacation was excellent and much needed. It did help my attitude at work....I'm still sarcastic & evil at times but only 75% of the time now....LOL,

There are still problems on the home front that I'm hoping will work out. Currently I'm putting my resume out for agency work. There is no OT offered and I could use some after becoming the Bank to my family.

But other than that things are decent....I can actually say I'm complacent...yep....I know, A Pig flew overhead somewhere.....


Difficult time lie ahead....

I have been wanting....needing to come on here an update for a while now....but life sometimes has a tendency to kick you in the throat when you least expect it.

The last 7 weeks since Ive last updated, I've pretty much become a recluse...I choose not to be bother and I choose to be left alone, except for the few people I confide in...I havent been in the mood for talking and/or explaining much.

The source of all this isn't a single entity but several and instead Im going to bullet it out.
  • Work has been kicking my ass...more so than usual, I've been causing "problems" because I see it at I'm not there to kiss ass and kow-tow to the higher authority but to advocate for my patients, especially since my patients are too young to express their opinions and/or their parents aren't able to. So that being said I've tried to do the "help you, help me" stand point. But overall its very, very frustrating and I truly understand why people hate the healthcare system in the states....I work in it...I know it all too well.

  • My family has been stressing me out, with almost calling off my birthday celebrations because my grandmother was sick to my brother and his uncanny ability to make things more complicated and difficult and the end all, financial situations where my name is no longer Nicole but the 1st national bank of loans that is starting to hinder and cut into my expenses and stress me out when everyone is hurting for $$$ and people assume I'm fucking Scrooge McDuck with my own personal money bank.  Its gotten to the point I didnt answer my phone for 2 weeks or attempted to call my family because I didnt want to be bothered.

  • Since I am stressed more than usual and probably a little depressed recently, Ive been have frequent and terrifying nightmares. Never had them before this bad as Ive had in the last 7 weeks. Yesterday mornings was so bad I woke up saying the rosary in my sleep.

  • I've lost my appetite, just dont have it which has caused me to drop those last 5 pounds Ive been working on for over a year and people have notice I look slimmer. Only good thing about that is even though Ive lost those 5 in probably not the best way. It means I wont have to buy new jeans and/or new fall winter clothes this year....everything is too big and I prefer too big than too small.

  • Although the last several weeks have had there moments, there were some "keep hope alive moments" that kept me from turning to the one thing I DONT want to be tempted by ever again and thats my drinking.

I did get in an discussion with a male I've been seeing for over a year and a half now, where he said "I don't get you sometimes, for someone so strong and always there for everyone else, you can almost be needy at times." 

My response... "When will it be my turn to lean on someone, even the strong need support."

Which is the question I have every day, "When can someone be strong for me?"

Fortunately he has stepped up to the plate.

I'm going to make a promise to myself to try to rant/rave/relieve my mind on here once a week. I figure since I havent been doing it as often and it has been somewhat therapeutic to get all that pent up emotion out on paper into the stories Ive been writing but I still need to at least once a week come on here and get it out....

I'm escaping for a much needed and earned week long sabbatical out of town. Maybe a change in scenery will evorgate me, because even right now.....I'm driving on fumes.....

Belated Birthday & Marvel vs DC


I turned 27, on July 10th and at the exact time I was born I was in the shower metaphorically starting the new year afresh. My 27th bday was initially suppose to be a quiet one. I had planned on going to my favorite restaurant downtown with my homeboy and two or three people from work that wanted to go out on my actual birthday. What I thought at the most was going to be four-five people turned into 15 surprised guest and family for my birthday dinner at la tasca a good friend of mine at work coordinated. 

Apparently if you email has a business origin people pay attention to it...LOL

But my dinner was very nice, Kinda wish some of my other non work friends were there, but after my record with attempts at birthday parties....(One when I was twelve scarred me for life, thus not wanting to have any bday parties, only close family affairs). 

A bday dinner was the last thing on my mind. 

Course after my birthday I was off and return to work on the weekend and found out the worst.....

People were pissed at me...


People were actually not speaking to me because they werent invited.....Now, Im cool with people at work but um.....I kinda follow the rule...If you dont have my cell number or know anything significant that I care to divuluge to you about my life then you are a business associate. 

Plus folks run their MOUTHS at work....I didnt need anyone running their mouth at work talking about how many sangrias I had and being drunk...

(I wasnt drunk....I was NICE....LOL)

Anywhoo long story short....folks were pissed...I again realized I work with a bunch of females....I hate females and another reason for me to keep to my five year plan.

I did recieve really cute tops from my fam and my gift cards to my favorite stores....Best Buy and Barnes and Noble *GRIN*

Probably the one gift that I havent put down yet is The first two seasons of Justice League on DVD...I have the COMPLETE collection now along with the COMPLETE collection of Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League: New Frontier DVD and The Dark Knight Animated movie DVD.

Have you notice a trend? ALLL BATMAN!!!!!

I LOVE BATMAN!!! anything Batman I try to get I never realized how big of a fan I was until I found someone is just as much into cartoons as I am including Batman...Never have I met someone who appreciated my rambles about the Batman Mythos....and I know alot.

Ive said before that my ex accepted my nerd behavior but didnt understand nor wanted to experience it....(ie: Never seen Jurassic Park) But current dude Ive come to find out is just as nerdy as I am *GRIN*

So again long story short....Im Happy 

Welll, I need to get crackin Ive been working on three chapters simultaneously of EOM...yes Im still working on it...and this weekend I plan to be sitting in front of my computer with my scattered long-hand chapters and edits surrounding me with a goal of all three chapters to be one stage away from finalized....one last reading for grammer, continuity and plot holes by Sunday. 

Im setting a hell of a goal considering each chapter is sitting at 15-20 pages easily and alot...ALOT happens in these chapters...a few trips to starbucks and some HP incintive and we can make it happen....

Peace out and be safe peoples.



Have you ever been so tired that you could almost cry?!?!?

Yep Im there....right now, not liking night shift too much at the moment. 

You know, YOu would think after I passed my LAST class with a B+ and hustled my behind off this semester my damn school would at least give a sista a break? 

I can be foolish at times....

Come to find out I have to take an exit exam....a comprehensive exam in order for me to get my BSN.....well I took the test and got an email at work yesterday stating this...

Unfortuntatley you didnt pass and will have to retake it before Friday (TOday) at 9:00am,  and need to pass it to recieve your diploma, you can still walk at graduation and be counted amoung the May graduates....

Did I mention the damn test wasnt available until May 6th for me to take and of course I worked that day and took the exam on my day off and just finished the exam 14mins ago on my other day off!!!!

Can I tell you how frustrated and overly done I am with this school? Its been an ongoing stupid process but has stress me to the point these last 5 months with working full time and damn near in school full time with clinical requirement and extra credit stuff that was mandatory plus need I mention I had to come out of pocket with my tuition and those bastard finally cashed my check the same time I was getting my tax refund????

And now you tell me I cant graduate and/or get my diploma because of some stupid comprehensive exam that the school didnt even DEVELOPED that I have to take???

If that isnt fucking salt in the wound I dont know what is....

Im utterly disgusted, Ive been up since 600am this morning working on that stupid online exam not to mention yesterday I didnt even leave work until 9pm because a code was called right at change of shift and the whole unit was involved in (me included) and couldnt leave until the patient was stable. 

SHit I mean do I really need to pass this damn exam? I AREADY AM A PRACTICING REGISTERED NURSE!!!!!!


Damn school took my money, Im broke like no joke now because I could work OT due to my strict school schedule plus I paid a overpriced tuition and now I can get my pay increase and bonus because of a damn online test......

*Shakes head*

*Sigh* but there is hope on the horizon, I have the next five days off, Im going to a concert, Ive recently stepped off a scale and Im one pound away from my "damn I wish I could see that number again" weight (Being broke and stress is the ultimate diet by the way) and I FINALLY get to write EOM in peace and quiet

-No disruptions....

Well keep your fingers cross that my mantra worked on my online exam (if I pass I will reveal it) and keep hope alive.....

Just hit me like a ton of bricks...

Damn, it just hit me....

I'm graduating. 

I've been on a Odyssey of learning since I entered Kindergarten and I've finally reach the end where, I'm not is school. 

Its werid and surreal when you think about it that I've been either in school working on a degree or taking classes to get a degree of higher learning since I started school back in the Fall of 1986....Kindergarten....damn only took me...22 years and as a result I have a high school degree, a bachelors of science degree in biology, an associates in nursing and finally a bachelors of science degree in Nursing. 

Im honestly not going to know what to do to myself without school, its become a part of who I am. 

I honestly think it hit me hard because Im not doing anything big for my degree, im not walking or having a graduation party. Mostly because my younger sister is graduating too and this will be her bachelor degree in political science-international law (If Im not mistaken but I could be...lol) and I didnt want to rain on her day. But my conscious kicked me in my forehead and promptly reminded me that all my hard work, stress, blood, sweat and tears for school should not go unacknowledged. 

Yeah kinda werid feeling when it happened and not really sure how I should react to it.....

hmmmmm.....just one of those life moments I guess.  



Killing Joke
One-hundred percent intelligent black child....

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