I have been wanting....needing to come on here an update for a while now....but life sometimes has a tendency to kick you in the throat when you least expect it.

The last 7 weeks since Ive last updated, I've pretty much become a recluse...I choose not to be bother and I choose to be left alone, except for the few people I confide in...I havent been in the mood for talking and/or explaining much.

The source of all this isn't a single entity but several and instead Im going to bullet it out.

• Work has been kicking my ass...more so than usual, I've been causing "problems" because I see it at I'm not there to kiss ass and kow-tow to the higher authority but to advocate for my patients, especially since my patients are too young to express their opinions and/or their parents aren't able to. So that being said I've tried to do the "help you, help me" stand point. But overall its very, very frustrating and I truly understand why people hate the healthcare system in the states....I work in it...I know it all too well.

• My family has been stressing me out, with almost calling off my birthday celebrations because my grandmother was sick to my brother and his uncanny ability to make things more complicated and difficult and the end all, financial situations where my name is no longer Nicole but the 1st national bank of loans that is starting to hinder and cut into my expenses and stress me out when everyone is hurting for $$$ and people assume I'm fucking Scrooge McDuck with my own personal money bank.  Its gotten to the point I didnt answer my phone for 2 weeks or attempted to call my family because I didnt want to be bothered.

• Since I am stressed more than usual and probably a little depressed recently, Ive been have frequent and terrifying nightmares. Never had them before this bad as Ive had in the last 7 weeks. Yesterday mornings was so bad I woke up saying the rosary in my sleep.

• I've lost my appetite, just dont have it which has caused me to drop those last 5 pounds Ive been working on for over a year and people have notice I look slimmer. Only good thing about that is even though Ive lost those 5 in probably not the best way. It means I wont have to buy new jeans and/or new fall winter clothes this year....everything is too big and I prefer too big than too small.

• Although the last several weeks have had there moments, there were some "keep hope alive moments" that kept me from turning to the one thing I DONT want to be tempted by ever again and thats my drinking.

I did get in an discussion with a male I've been seeing for over a year and a half now, where he said "I don't get you sometimes, for someone so strong and always there for everyone else, you can almost be needy at times." 

My response... "When will it be my turn to lean on someone, even the strong need support."

Which is the question I have every day, "When can someone be strong for me?"

Fortunately he has stepped up to the plate.

I'm going to make a promise to myself to try to rant/rave/relieve my mind on here once a week. I figure since I havent been doing it as often and it has been somewhat therapeutic to get all that pent up emotion out on paper into the stories Ive been writing but I still need to at least once a week come on here and get it out....

I'm escaping for a much needed and earned week long sabbatical out of town. Maybe a change in scenery will evorgate me, because even right now.....I'm driving on fumes.....